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Author’s note: Today was a kind of day I almost had that same wish, but I decided to work it out on paper and this is what happened…
Sometimes I wish I did not have to wake up.
I know I should not wish things like that, because maybe some day they will come through.
But what if I don’t care? What if it doesn’t matter to me? What if I really wish that? Then what? What if it comes through?
Rain is falling. Snow was supposed to come. I bet it will turn to sleet the second I step out through this door. Is it safe to say that I truly hate my own life? Or would I have to explain to every ignorant soul why I would actually say that aloud, or rather, break it down in intimate detail so they could see how I arrived at this particular conclusion.
Maybe I ought to start from the beginning. Right from the start, where my mouth is as big as my heart, which should not even exist. It has been broken so many times over, I have gotten used to the fact that sneezing causes it all to rearrange inside of me, so what is the point of caring any more?
He said my love was the greatest thing in the world. He said it covered the canyons and reached across to bridge the widest gaps in history. He said it was his life.
Why did I ever believe him?
The doorknob’s only a few inches away…I wonder if I reach for it, if the weather will change. Maybe. That would be nice. Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard for this whole mess. But alas, my life is a wretched, horrid mess. Who am I trying to fool?
What is left of my heart is dirt-pink dust I keep in a locket around my neck. It is plainly visible in the v-neck of this white dress I can never take off. It is one thing I can count both for and against me. My mouth is another, it is something that gets me into trouble. Even when I only think about thinking about opening it. My job…in plain earthspeak…sucks. There is no two ways about it.
“Jahari?” Whandlen is standing to the side. He has the nerve to let his concern show in his eyes. His beautiful, sky blue eyes, lightly tinted with the golden glow of the sun. “Be you all right?”
I wish I could whack him. Hit him. Hurt him. The way he has hurt me. But of course, it is not really his fault, is it? “Of course, I’m all right. Why wouldn’t I be?” The sarcasm flows easily from my lips.
“Well…you have been out here all morning, you stand inches away from the door to the otherworlds and yet, you stand here as if you are…well-“
“Morning? I was not aware you were keeping track, but it really none of your business.”
He straightened almost instantly. “When a weather glyph begins acting strange, it IS my business to know.”
I gave him the best look I could muster.
It wilted beneath his glare.
I suppose it would be his business if he had created the glyph, given them a second chance at life they had scorned before. I almost shuddered. What I owed him did not outweigh the annoyance and other unnamed feelings trapped within me. I struggled to forumulate a sensible sentence. “I suppose if the glyph is acting strange, due to the fact they were human before they ran into you, does that not-“
“Enough, Jahari.” He thundred. His voice echoed through the wilderness below and the the darkened halls behind us.
My locket shivered around my neck. I swallowed. His voice still made me wish for him. To wish for what I could never have.
“Fine.” I said evenly. It took every smidgen of willpower to slowly turn my back towards him. He was a sky wizard, the kind whose sole purpose was to create the lovely weather glyphs and order them about his kingdom.
There was a low, frustrated sigh from the other end of the room. “Jahari…”
His voice was soft as his whisper of spring rain. I tried to keep breathing, but I skipped a breath. I forgot he could always hear everything in my head. But not everything in my heart. I tried to shift my thoughts to hide them within my heart. We were linked, yes, but for necessity, not for the reason I wanted.
“Jahari.” He tried again, this time, it was with the warmth of summer.
The wave of heat shimmered over me and for a moment, I felt my resolve beginning to crumble and melt in the hollow of my chest. Do not answer. Do not answer! The locket throbbed fiercly in the hollow of my neck. The burning sensation nearly brought a cry to my lips, but I tamped it down, squelching the urge as best as I could. For now. It would only be a matter of seconds before I could not keep up the facade any longer.
Icy breath feathered on the corner of my ear and cool hands slid around my shoulders. “Jahari.” He said again.
“Y-yes?” My traitor mouth spoke.
One hand reached past and opened the door. Nothing happened. The rain continued to pour, the mud to form below, the cold wind to rush inside.
“Go.” He nudge me forward. “It is time. This is your turn. Fly. Give them snow.”
I wanted to hate him. For a millionth of a second, I wanted to hate him, but I could not. Instead, I stepped outside, into the downpour. And for the second time today, I wished I didn’t have to wake up.
The rain did its strange work and as my dress began to drip, it clung tighter around me and I felt the coldness ebb away to nothing. I rolled my shoulders forward and back, then hunched foward. My wings unfolded with a delicate swoosh. They fluttered lightly, reflecting my mood as I turned to see what I could of them. There was a quiet creak and I looked down to see that my gown had reverted to its true, snowy nature. The carpet of whiteness flowed from my neck and down to the entryway.
For a moment, I almost smiled. And then I was reminded why the transformation had begun. It was Christmas time on one planet and the children below were praying for snow. I had a gift, given to me, if you wish to see it as such.
There was no one, but me to blame if I shirked my duty to use it for good.
My wings fluttered, more pleadingly this time and I bowed my head as I took to flight. The feeling of weightlessness was an immediate reward. I half-twirled, then flew upwards towards the stars.
The soft trail of fresh white snow lingered behind in my wake. It would not stick, unless I wanted to, but for now, I would take my travel time to think…and pray. Maybe I needed a different wish. A whole different kind of wish.
Copyright 2008. S. Harricharan