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Homesick. Home means books, hot chocolate and someone to sit back-to-back while you read. Homesick is wishing for the warm, fuzzy feelings that come with it.
A sickness that was very dangerous in my life. I muffled the evidence of my sorrows-by eating marshmallows. It helped-for the first five minutes.
I wouldn’t feel so bad if it was just me. Ally could’ve had a normal life, but I suppose the black and white nature of the teenage mind, told her otherwise. After all, how many teenage girls have a mother in the witness protection program?
It never was what I had in mind. Usually it was a cabin of some sort, tucked away in the deepest hearts of mountains with names that I couldn’t pronounce.
“You okay, mom?” Ally slung her backpack on the floor, squinting up into dusty rafters. “Wow, this place is weirder than the last one.” She shivered.
I scooted her backpack along the entryway, into the room. “I’m fine…we’ll make do.”
“Don’t we always?” Ally stood in the middle of the living room to stare up into the circular ceiling. “Whoa! Take a look, mom!”
I followed her gaze upwards and smiled at the detailed, silver cross nailed to the roof. “Nice.”
There was a knock on the door and Rico, bodyguard one, entered, folding his skinny frame through the tiny doorway, lugging my suitcase behind him. “Everything okay, Mrs. Wheeler?”
“Yes, Rico. Thank you. Can we use the bedroom this time, or..?”
“Not this time, Mrs. Wheeler.” Bryan sighed. “It should only be a few weeks here…I’m sorry.”
Jon’s gravelly voice filled the room, along with the rest of our new possessions. “We brought sleeping bags though, it should help.” He tossed Ally a red bundle. “Catch, kid!”
Ally pounced on it, unrolling it on the futon. “Thank you!” She collapsed dramatically onto the newly covered surface.
“Anything you need straight away, Mrs. Wheeler?” Rico’s fuzzy head appeared from the kitchen entry way. “The cabinets are stocked.”
I headed to the kitchen to look. It was decent enough, canned vegetables included. “Cleaning supplies?” I swiped a finger along the wood paneled wall.
“I’ll check.” Rico smiled. “Don’t worry about the dust, Mrs. Wheeler.”
Because I won’t have the time to clean it? Or because you don’t want me near the windows? I forced a smile. “You do that…I’ll see how Ally’s doing.”
The smile wavered as I stared at the new shopping bags. I knew what was inside of them, new clothes, hair dye and a new, prepaid cell phone, in case of emergency.
“Mom?” Ally touched my shoulder. “Maybe you should sit down.”
I let her guide me to the sofa and sat dumbly, waiting for the tears to come. Ally hunkered down on the floor, taking my hands in hers. “It’s okay, Mom, it’ll be okay.” She toyed with my bracelet and her eyes closed.
Her lips moved, but I could only make out the “Amen.” at the end. Now the tears came, pouring and gushing out.
Ally swiped the box of tissues from the coffee table, depositing it in my lap. “Mom? Hellooooo…talk to me!” She stuffed fresh tissues in my hands. “Just say something.”
“I miss home.” I choked the words out, wishing for the floor to open and swallow me. How ungrateful can I be? I’m alive, my daughter is here…and I need to be strong for her! Dear God, please,…I want my life back!
“Mom?” Ally shook my knee.
“I’m sorry I ruined your life.” The words popped out before I could double-check them.
Ally blinked. “What?” She shook her head. “I could never be ‘normal’ Mom, you know that. I’m too creative. You didn’t ruin my life. You stood up for the truth and you weren’t afraid to speak up. You’ve probably saved lives!”
“And ruined yours.” I snuffled into the tissues.
“Would you quit saying that? You sound like me! You’re supposed to be the grown-up, I’m the kid!” Ally disappeared behind the sofa.
“Excuse me?” Her words registered.
“You’re excused!” Ally chirped.
“Ally!” The tears vanished. “Where did that come from-”
“And she’s back, people!” Ally popped up from behind, a rolled-up sock as her imaginary microphone. “We have successfully weathered the first step in makin’ this place home! I thought you were gonna do that all day.” She ducked away from the pillow. “Mom! Not fair-pillowfights are later. Lookit what I found-books!” She dragged a stack of paperbacks to the coffee table. “Lotsa books! They even have The Secret Garden, my favorite!” Ally dropped the book in my lap, hopping onto the sofa to next to me. “Your turn to read.”
I couldn’t stop the smile that started. Home is wherever family and books are.
Copyright 2008 S. Harricharan